I don’t know what to do.

My nano still isn’t here. GRRRRR. I’m gonna need it for the camp. And a sleeping bag. Damnit.

And my mood is swinging like mad. Happy to numb, to feeling confused, frustrated, angry with myself. Crap. Bought 2 Long Island Tea, and a Vodka Cruiser today. Some days, I feel like knocking myself out; don’t have to think or anything. I’m plagued with bloody troubles, until today I never really figure out what they are. This sucks. Life sucks. I should have gone to poly, and maybe things wouldn’t be like this. I kinda regret ALOT right now. Regret putting CJ as first choice, regret not fulfilling that promise of going to poly, regret not getting into poly into THAT course. DAMN IT ALL.

Wishful thinking.

My mind is way too imaginative. I keep thinking up scenarios that I wish would happen; I can almost see them happen, can almost feel what’s happening, the emotions, everything, and it never happens the way I want it to be. I tell myself time and again to not have expectations, but I can’t help myself. I just imagine, and think, and I watch myself get crushed again and again. Stupid eh?

Save me from myself, you can.
And it’s you and no one else.
If I could wish upon tomorrow,
Tonight would never end.
If you asked me, I would follow.
But for now, I just pretend.
‘Cause if anyone can make me fall in love,
You can.
-You Can

Hindrance.

I think the way it is now is better than before.

I’m just a hindrance, aren’t I? Just a hindrance to you, an obstacle in your way of your hopes and dreams, holding you back. In tennis, in studies, in your singing. Everything.

So I’m not one now. I’ll just keep to myself then. Away from you, and not hinder your growth anymore.

I feel myself changing. Just a subtle bit, changing back to what I was before. Cold, unfeeling, numb. Maybe just a degree harsher, to myself, to everyone. Not exactly the best, but it’s my defense. Only defense.

Overload.

I don’t know why. After reading Val’s and Reuben’s blog, the memories just suddenly rush back. It’s like somthing clicked and that part of my mind unlocked itself and everything just rushes back; the feelings, the memories. And I was transported back in time for a brief while before I had to conciously lock that part back up. Seems like I’m just deceiving myself.

But nothing will come out of that relationship. You know so much about me, but I don’t know anything about you. Not about your family, not about you. Sure, I know the basics. Your birthday, your schools, but your likes, dislikes? I don’t know. Even your favourite colour, I don’t know it. You work so hard on unlocking me, but you won’t let me unlock you. Where is the fairness in that?

And you’ve said, our thoughts on things conflict. Extreme ends even. Maybe that’s what’s making you withdraw from me. I don’t know. When you didn’t think so much, we were happier. But I guess it’s in your nature. You think too much; I worry too much. Hah. That’s why I was reluctant to even start this relationship, I didn’t want to ruin the friendship we had. And now, it’s in pieces. I sort of predicted that. But I just threw caution to the wind, and look what happened. Not what I wanted, but what I expected.

Honey, sorry if you think my words meant nothing. But now I’m thinking back and thought of the times you’ve lied to me. You made me wait downstairs for you when it was raining, and it was so cold. I didn’t believe you at first, but I trusted you in the end, and look what I got. You made me call your house when you knew your brother would pick up. You knew I hated being made a fool. And you made me look like a fool countless times. And I trusted you time and again. Sometimes I don’t know what’s up with you. You want complete trust yet you do all this.

I’m considering now if we should just return back to when we were best friends. But, can we do it? I do miss the times when we would call each other for fun, meet up when we feel like it. No conditions attached. Talking till early in the morning. Early enough to watch the sunrise. I miss those times when you weren’t so busy. When you would reply my smses relatively fast. I miss your random smses about things that happen in the day. About your ducking timetable that end at 330. About the master thing when we wanted to watch Secret. I changed my phone; had to delete all the messages. But I still remember them. You asking if you could hang my ring around your neck. The quiz you asked about plants. When you were recording True and my friend messaged you and disrupted your perfect recording. Then the newer messages. I miss your care and your concern, but I don’t feel them as much these last few months.  When I tell you I got gastric, you don’t really say anything. I tried so desperately to get some concern out of you, but to no avail. Then, we arranged to meet before your night training. And you remembered that you arranged to meet your friend for dinner. So you cancelled our meeting, and you said: “It’s only a 1 hour meeting. Not worth it.” Did you know how hurt I was? I made my decision then. And it took me how long to gather up the courage to do it? 2 weeks. I told myself, if it got better, I won’t do it. But it never got better, and I killed myself inside. I told myself that it wasn’t worth it to keep suffering. So I cut you free, and I numbed myself again.

Worth it? I don’t know. Maybe. But you aren’t the only one who got hurt.